Gravity
by Dwight4Studly
Summary: Sirius tells Remus about his feelings for him and it doesn’t end up how he had planned. Slash RemusSirius.


**Gravity**

A.N./ Okay, so this has been the most hectic final month of summer. I've been in three different states, running around to get errands and packing finished with for school, and trying to make time to say good bye to my friends and family. There has been NO TIME for anything at all. And now, with two days until I move to college, I am making some time to get something out. Albeit it's 1:43 in the morning, but at least something is out here. I will also make time to write another chapter in The Den of Wolves (perhaps tomorrow, same time, same place?), but I found the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles and I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Listen to this song; it has me hooked and it will you too.

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Sirius fingers twitched. He couldn't stop them from moving. Remus was in the room, after all.

His heart ached in his chest, almost making him sick at his stomach. It felt like he had stayed awake for the past forty-two hours or he just got off of his broom after a several hundred feet drop from the sky. Everything about him felt pale but he couldn't suppress the fear that a blush painted his face guilty. For a year now he couldn't get rid of his infatuation for his good friend, and it did not want to let up.

"Stop chewing your nails, Sirius. It's disgusting," Remus said from across the table, finishing another page for his Potions essay. Sirius hadn't even noticed. He was too preoccupied with fiddling his fingers and trying to decide whether Remus' hair was the color of freshly cut wood or honey. He supposed it was the way the sun hit it.

That didn't seem to be as important as he would have thought a week ago. What was really on his mind was his little situation and whether he should carry on like he had for the past excruciating thirteen months. If he went another minute without telling him, he knew that the poison inside of his belly would surely suffocate his being. But if he told him, where would that leave them? What if Remus rejected him? He knew that he would never be able to show his face in front of him, or James, or the entire school, again. His throat started to tighten. He could not lose the very things he had worked so hard for, the only things he held nearest to his heart.

But if he accepted his advances-Sirius couldn't even imagine the wondrous joy his life would be. They wouldn't be able to become public, but he didn't care about that. To feel his lips, to hold his hand, to touch his skin so unabashedly, would be enough for him. He sighed, which brought Remus' attention to him once again. He felt those eyes run over his face and he squirmed slightly under the pleasure and fear of it.

"Are you even going to work on your paper?" Remus asked, slightly exasperated. "You didn't have to study with me just because every one else wanted to slack off. I can do this by myself," Remus said, looking down at Sirius' blank parchment.

"No, Remus! I wanted to study with you. I really did. I'm just … just trying to think of a beginning," Sirius lied, gritting his teeth behind a smile. There weren't many times that he could spend some time with Remus alone and he didn't want to ruin it with Remus kicking him out of the common room. It was a perfectly good empty Sunday without that little shred of nauseating disappointment.

Remus looked at him quizzically. "Do you want me to help you get started, then?"

"No. No, I was just thinking of something."

"Okay. Well, I guess get started then. Ask me if you need help, though." And with that, he was back to writing his paper. He scratched out a sentence or two and grabbed a blank sheet of parchment from his bag.

Sirius' heart leapt up and down his throat. He snatched his quill and began writing on his page. But as his hand continued, his thoughts drifted. Maybe he should tell him. What would be the worst thing that could happen? Remus wouldn't be the sort of person to reject someone's friendship over something like that. Especially a friend that held secrets that were damning towards Remus himself.

All he would have to do was say, "Remus. I know that we are good friends, but, recently, I have been feeling that our friendship is not enough." It was short, sweet, simple: to the point. It wouldn't give him any wiggle room. All he'd have to do would say whether he thought it would be a good idea or not. Sirius took a deep breath. When he opened his mouth to speak, however, nothing came out. Not a word, not a syllable. He looked down at his hand that was moving on its own free will. _Tell him tell him tell him tellhimtellhimtell …_He crumbled the parchment into a ball and tossed it to the side of the table.

He rubbed his temples, staring down at the hard wood of the table. He would just have to say it. Just stay cool and say it. Sit up straight, make eye contact, and tell him. Stay cool and tell him. Sit right in front of him and tell him to his face. I want a relationship with you. Stand, if you have to, man. I want to kiss you. Tell him. I want to be with you. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him!

"Remus."

"Hmn?" He looked up at him, finishing his word on the parchment without looking.

Sirius sat up straight in his chair, looked him in the eyes, opened his mouth … and could not say it.

"Sirius. Are you okay?" Remus asked, setting down his quill.

Sirius stood up straight from his chair, looked him in the eyes, opened his mouth again … and still could not say it. His breath was shallow and uneven and he couldn't concentrate on anything that he was even going to try and say.

Remus leaned slightly in his chair, looking up at him carefully. "You're sort of scaring me, mate. Say something."

Sirius' heart fluttered and beat frantically to the point of causing him physical pain. Despite all of it, though, all he could do was just stand there. Remus stood and started to gather his things, not taking his eyes away from Sirius' face. He could see that he was saying things, but his entire senses went numb. He watched him deafly pile his papers with those slender fingers, see him stare at him uncertainly with those bright eyes, and followed the movement his perfect lips, forming sentence filled with questions.

Before he knew what had come over him, his lips covered those that he had fantasized about only in the dark corners of his mind. The silence exploded around them and every nerve in his body vibrated with his coursing, boiling, pulse. His hand gripped Remus' shoulder, pulling him towards him. Their lips were crushed together as Sirius seized his opportunity to caress his tongue to his bottom lip and into the hot crevasse of his mouth. The electricity that ran from those lips straight to the pit of his stomach caused Sirius' arms to tremble and his toes to curl. He knew right then and there that he could do this for the rest of his life, with Remus only.

Remus, in a state of shock, tore his face away, planting his hands on Sirius' chest, and firmly pushed him away.

Sirius stumbled back, nearly falling over the chair behind him. His knees gave out on him and he fell to the floor. He felt his chest to make sure that his heart was still in his body and was not living inside the other boy as he imagined it to be. Suddenly realizing what had happened, he wished that his heart had left his body. It would at least feel better somewhere other than within him. His body shook with tremors of suppressed grief and agony and he averted his eyes. He didn't know what to do. Should he stand and apologize, beg, plead? Beg and plead for what? For him to love him back? For him to not tell anyone? Try as hard as he may, he couldn't bring himself to look at him, let alone talk to him. So he did what he had to. He struggled to his feet, tripping over his gangly legs, and ran out the common room. The fact that Remus wasn't calling after him, sped him along and he ran as far as could.

The door slammed behind him and Remus stood there, staring. He couldn't focus his thoughts over what had just happened. They had just been sitting there, doing their homework and all of a sudden Sirius was kissing him. Sirius had kissed him. Their lips had meshed; his tongue had swept his mouth. He raised his fingers to his lips and his heart skipped a few beats; they were still wet.

He sunk into his chair without removing his fingers. His eyes closed in bliss. He had waited for that kiss for over four months now. Merlin, how perfect it had been, too. It had been well worth the nights of never-ending dreams and hours of pinning and self-pity. And he craved more. Boundless, infinite more. He wanted to feel his lips, his tongue, his body. He stood and turned to the door, but Sirius was gone. Then it hit him. He had pushed him away. Why, in the name of all things holy and sacred, had he pushed him away? The fog of confusion lifted from behind his eyes.

He started to run. He didn't know where, but all he could do was try and find Sirius. He needed to tell him. Every corridor was empty. Every hall was deserted. Sirius was nowhere that he looked, but he continued on his hunt until his legs could not carry him any longer. After three hours of looking, he returned to the common room to find a large crowd huddled in the center around the couches. James' turned to him, grinning broadly.

"Sirius' dry spell is over! Come over here and congratulate him, Remus."

Remus made his way through the crowd, dreading what he was about to witness. It was Sirius, tangling arms, legs, and tongues with some floozy little fifth year that Remus barely recognized. His knees started to shake, but when Sirius moved his hand up her skirt with the applause and cheers from all the boys around him, his stomach flipped and shot up into his throat. He pushed through the crowd, bounding to the dorm. He slammed the door behind him and dove into bed. He pulled the covers over his head, curling into a tight ball. His heart raced and his breath quickened to where he was hyperventilating, but he could not calm himself. He held his fingers to his lips, wanting nothing more than to cry. He wanted to cry until his eyes bled, until his skin fell from his bones where he would be left to melt into his sheets and vanish from existence. Before anything entered his mind, blackness filled the room and his body lay limp.

He didn't wake until late that night. His body cramped, having not moved from when he had passed out. He stretched his aching limbs tenderly and sat in his bed. He peered through his curtains and saw that the rest of the boys had luckily gone to sleep. Climbing out of his four-poster bed, he slowly made his way towards Sirius' bed from across the room. His head spun as he pulled the curtains slowly away and saw Sirius lying there. Remus could see his eyes flutter and roll and he knew that he was dreaming and he imagined for one sweet moment that Sirius was dreaming of him.

His gravity pulled him closer and Remus sank to his knees, leaning against Sirius' bed. He stared at his face, thinking of what to do next. They were obviously finished as friends. But they were not enemies either. Remus tried to not let it bother him for the time being. He didn't know when he'd be able to get this close to Sirius again, so he tried to savor the moment while it was here. Out of seventeen years of his life he had never felt as much pain as he did now. All he wanted to do was take back all that had happened that afternoon and redo it all. His eyes stung. He'd never be able to lay with him. Instead, he'd have to sit there on the side, watching him from afar. He was so close and he could not do anything but sit there. That is how his life would be like from then on out because he knew that all he needed was Sirius. He would never be able to let him go for as long as he lived.

It wasn't until the sunrise that he returned to his bed where he waited for the rest of the boys to wake. James and Peter were on time, but Sirius still hid behind his hangings. He heard that, as hard as they try, Sirius could not be woken. "He was piss drunk last night. Might as well let him sleep." When it came to his turn, Remus could only pretend to be asleep, feigning that he could not be raised as well. Once they left, Remus jumped up from bed and waited patiently for Sirius to stir. Thankfully he only had to wait half an hour before Sirius weakly sat up, groaning and rubbing the back of his head.

"What the eff happened last night? Was there a party or something, because my head is on bloody fire!" Sirius asked groggily, spying Remus sitting eagerly on the edge of his bed.

"You … you don't remember what happened?" Remus asked, curious as to how drunken Sirius had become.

Sirius sat there, staring blankly, thinking as hard as he knew. He shook his head and pointed to the bedside table. "Hand me my wand. I need to clear my head."

Remus did, waiting anxiously for Sirius to remember so they could get everything on the table and hopefully co-exist. After Sirius muttered the spell he sighed with relief, relaxing his muscles. Remus suddenly noticed that they were both in the clothes they were in yesterday, but said nothing as to not disrupt Sirius' thought process.

"Well. I got up yesterday, had breakfast, walked James to Quidditch practice, and came to the common room to study with you. Where the bloody hell did the firewhiskey come from, then?" Sirius asked, still trying to think back on what had happened.

"You honestly don't remember, Sirius?" Remus asked, inching closer to his bed until he was sitting on the edge. His heart leapt. Maybe he would get his second chance after all.

Sirius stared at him. "Did we get into a fight? All I can remember is studying with you then I think I snuck into Hogsmeade. It must have been one hell of a row because I had maybe two, maybe three pints of -"

Remus' lips were on his, his hands cupping his face. Sirius struggled, pulling away. He looked into Remus face and it dawned on him. "Oh my fucking god." Those were the only words that escaped him before he grabbed Remus by the hips, pulling him on top of him, their lips and tongues twisting together. Remus couldn't suppress his grin as Sirius pulled away again. "Remus, god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done it like that."

Remus moved his leg between Sirius' own, kissing his ear, running his fingers down over his collarbone. "This is what I want, Sirius. This is all I've wanted for a long time now." They continued to kiss, rolling and rocking together, neither believing what was happening but they could not stop. It was as if gravity was molding them together and they would never be able to escape each other. From then on, they were bound. Sirius kissed his face repeatedly and they both laughed out of relief as they wrapped their arms around one another.

"Can we just always stay like this?" Remus asked in Sirius' ear, nuzzling his neck, enjoying the pulsing of their bodies resting so close. And with Remus all around him, Sirius answered softly. "Yes. Always."

A.N./ If you don't like the story, that's fine. If you don't like the pairing, get the hell out of here. But if you did like it, please review!


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